by Nancy Bergeron, Registered Psychologist
“It’s like being pushed from an airplane before you are ready, and without a parachute. And while you’re free falling you look up and see the person that pushed you was your partner. They are smirking and waving as you hit the ground. The fall breaks every bone in your body. But somehow, miraculously, you survive. But you don’t feel alive or lucky… See, your partner never landed the plane. Never rushed to the hospital or apologized. They kept flying, picking up a new passenger along the way. It wasn’t just bones that shattered. It was your self-worth, trust, safety, and truth. You no longer understand love. You have met evil and it has killed a part of you before you were ready to die.” (unknown)
In a world of internet pornography, web cams, chat rooms, Ashley Madison, Tinder, compulsive sexual behavior disorder and sex addiction, there comes with it, the fallout for the unsuspecting partner who thinks they are in a committed, monogamous, exclusive relationship with the person who is acting out. For some, any or all of these behaviors may be acceptable. However, for others, when they are betrayed by the person who is supposed to love, respect and support them the most, their world shatters. It may feel as though the whole life of their relationship has been a lie. Many people naturally retrace their relationship’s history adding in all the missing details of betrayal that they just learned. This process is jarring, especially when the details from the spouse or partner come in pieces. It can make them feel as though the rug is constantly being pulled from under them.
We expect relationships to be built on trust, love, and mutual respect. Which is why the shocking discovery of betrayal in marriages and relationships causes feelings of chaos and confusion. Few experiences create more pain and hurt than sexual infidelity (whether virtual or physical). “For the victimized partner, sexual infidelity can create such intense emotions that the memories and trauma may remain for months or even years later. Studies have shown that 43% of partners continue to feel the side of effects of Betrayal Trauma for more than two years after the discovery of this infidelity. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for healing Betrayal Trauma. The symptoms correlate with those of PTSD: intrusive thoughts, startle response, inability to sleep, hypervigilance, flashbacks, etc. However, healing is possible” (Dr. Kevin Skinner)
Thousands of women (and men) have shared their intensely personal stories with researchers in this specific field of trauma. From these stories and many years of clinical work, researchers have learned the symptoms and characteristics of Intimate Betrayal Trauma and the best evidence-based methods for healing. There are trained professionals to help you make the courageous step to begin to recover, we want you to understand Betrayal Trauma, how it’s affecting you, and how you can respond. This beginning is crucial to set the framework for healthy mental and emotional recovery. When you do not know who you can trust or turn to, specialized trained professionals would be honored to be a part of your healing journey. Please don’t go through this alone. Please reach out for help. Look for a professional who specializes in intimate betrayal trauma or a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) who specializes in partner trauma. In January, I will speak to the other side of this issue: compulsive sexual behavior disorder a.k.a. sex addiction. Both of these topics are areas of my specialization and research.
