by Nancy Bergeron, Registered Psychologist
Last month, I discussed the telltale signs of imminent relationship failure. So, what can you do to create a lasting relationship? Get a copy of John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or engage the help of a Gottman-trained therapist. Below is a sneak peek at the seven principles:
Enhance your love maps. Love is in the details. That is, happy couples are very much familiar with their partner’s world. According to Gottman, these couples have “a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” You know everything from your partner’s favorite movies to what’s currently stressing them out to some of their life dreams, and they know yours.
Nurture your fondness and admiration. Happy couples respect each other and have a general positive view of each other. Gottman asserts that fondness and admiration are two of the most important elements in a satisfying and long-term relationship. If these elements are completely missing, the marriage can’t be saved. Gottman includes a helpful activity to remind couples of the partner they fell in love with called “I appreciate.” He suggests readers list three or more of their partner’s positive characteristics along with an incident that illustrates each quality. Then read your lists to each other.
Turn toward each other instead of away. Romance isn’t a Caribbean cruise, an expensive meal or a lavish gift. Rather, romance lives and thrives in the everyday, little things. According to Gottman, “Real-life romance is kept alive each time you let your partner know they are valued during the grind of everyday life.” For instance, romance is leaving an encouraging text for your partner when you know they are having a bad day. Or, romance is when you are running late but take a few minutes to listen to your partner’s bad dream and saying that you’ll discuss it later (instead of saying “I don’t have time”). Gottman acknowledges that this might seem humdrum, but turning toward each other in these ways is the basis for connection and passion. Couples that turn toward each other have more in their “emotional bank account.” Gottman shares that this account distinguishes happy marriages from miserable ones. Happy couples have more goodwill and positivity stored in their bank accounts, so when rough times hit, their emotional savings cushion conflicts and stressors.
Let your partner influence you. Happy couples are a team that considers each other’s perspective and feelings. They make decisions together and search out common ground. Letting your partner influence you isn’t about having one person hold the reins; it’s about honoring and respecting both people in the relationship.
Solve your solvable problems. Gottman states that there are two types of marital problems: conflicts that can be resolved and perpetual problems that can’t. It’s important for couples to determine which ones are which. According to Gottman, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones.” Solvable problems are situational, and there’s no underlying conflict. Gottman devised a five-step model for resolving these conflicts that can be found in his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.
Overcome gridlock. Gottman suggests that the goal with perpetual problems is for couples to “move from gridlock to dialogue.” What usually underlies gridlock is unfulfilled dreams. “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” Happy couples believe in the importance of helping each other realize their dreams. So, the first step in overcoming gridlock is to determine the dream or dreams that are causing your conflict. The next steps include talking to each other about your dreams, taking a break (since some of these talks can get stressful) and making peace with the problem. “The goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain.”
Create shared meaning. “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together—a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become,” asserts Gottman. And that’s what it means to develop shared meaning. Happy couples create a family culture that includes both of their dreams. Being open to each other’s perspectives and opinions, happy couples naturally come together.
