by Nancy Bergeron, Registered Psychologist
Last month I discussed how to spot an emotionally unavailable partner. This time around I thought we should evaluate ourselves…maybe we are actually the unavailable one. Time for some self-reflection:
Am I angry with the opposite sex? Do I like hearing jokes at their expense? Have I ever been referred to as a man/woman hater? If so, this may be a sign that I need to heal from past wounds before we can truly get close to another.
Do I make excuses to avoid getting together with someone who is showing their intentions toward me? Listen to this discomfort and be curious about it.
Do I think I am so independent that I don’t need anyone? It could be that I have been let down so many times in the past that I’m afraid to ask for help when I need it. Learning how to create healthy boundaries to be vulnerable again take work and time but is well worth it.
Do I fear falling in love because I’ll get hurt/hurt again? There are no guarantees that we won’t get hurt. However, if we are willing to seek help to navigate how we miss red flags in relationships and become more aware of our vulnerabilities we have a better chance at choosing the right partner in the future.
Am I always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Although many people complain about their problems, many have difficulty accepting the good that is right in front of them. Maybe we need to take stock of what we are giving and receiving in our relationships.
Am I distrustful? Maybe you’ve been betrayed or lied to in the past and now look for it in everyone.
Do I avoid intimacy by filling quiet times with distractions? Sometimes this can be always keeping super busy or having our heads in our phones or lost in binge-watching TV.
Am I uncomfortable talking about myself and my feelings? Maybe there are things in our own lives that make us feel undesirable, shameful or unlovable.
Do I usually like to keep my options open in case someone better comes along? In the world of internet dating, tinder and instant gratification, it’s easy to get caught up in the cycle of thinking the next date or swipe may be better.
If you answered yes to some of these questions, counselling can help you heal from trauma or wounds from the past. Sometimes it’s helpful to explore why things are difficult or not working out in a manner that we hoped for.
