by Nancy Bergeron, RPsych | [email protected]
Ever wonder why some folks are more feisty and ready for a fight than others? It relates to our temperament, our past experiences, our predisposition, and based on situation. All these things work together, and we may find ourselves ready to rumble instantly when we perceive a threat, feel disrespected, or sense another other person is preparing to argue with us. According to Bonnie Bloom, we can’t do much to avoid a spontaneous tense moment, however, we can learn about our impulses when these situations are on us.
Most of us are familiar with ‘fight or flight’ and ‘fawn or freeze’ as an adrenaline-filled reactive state that fuels us when we perceive a threat. This is a part of our survival response. These are instinctual responses that help us emotionally and physically survive threats to the best of our abilities. A “fight” instinct will bring us into an aggressive position. A “flight” instinct will instruct us to retreat or disengage. A “freeze” instinct will leave us unable to respond to the perceived threat at all. A “fawn” instinct will enable us to try to please the threat to avoid conflict.
Think about how we’ve handled intense confrontations in our past. Did we default to people-pleasing or run away? Our past reactions generally predict how we will react in the future. We should spend time questioning our motives and behaviors, and work to understand ourselves so we can, at the very least, avoid seeking out situations where we’ll take our aggression out on someone else—which could only worsen our problems.
“The first thing I think people need to know is that if they are in the ‘fight’ mode, the part of their brain responsible for reason and deliberation is offline,” Bloom says. “Our brains do that so we don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis when a bear is chasing us. The reason this knowledge is so important, is that it informs us that logic and reason are not present. Calming down the mind-body activation of being in ‘fight’ needs to be the first priority.” It’s key for us to know we’re in “fight” in the first place, which means we have to feel it, since reasoning has left the building.
Bloom suggests trying to bring the feeling of “fight” to our body when we aren’t actually in a fight and noticing how it feels. Ask ourselves where the feeling lives in our body—whether it has a colour, whether it has a shape, if it’s heavy, if it’s tingly, or if it’s numb. Identify the way the response feels using whatever adjectives work, and then memorize it.
How stay calm in a fight response:
Bloom suggests removing ourselves from the activating situation, if possible, which could mean going to our room, walking outside, heading to a bathroom, or driving away.
She suggests “the idea is getting ourselves into a space where we can safely express this instinct and then self-soothe.” You can beat up a pillow—or even scream into it—or find another way to express your aggression. Consider opening your notes app and typing out everything you wish you could say to the other person in that moment—but don’t actually send it their way. If this is an ongoing issue with a specific person, you can seek out counselling to explore the origins and find better strategies for future confrontations.
After we get out the aggression, we need to take a moment to soothe ourselves; things such as yoga, deep breathing, comfort food, favourite music, or doing whatever makes us feel content.
“This method of safe expression and soothing gets us back into the brain where reason and logic are back online and we have them at our disposal again for decision making and contemplation,” Bloom says.
She shares that there may be some situations wherein we can’t make an exit. At times like that, we need to breathe deeply and summon the best restraint we can manage until we are able to make an exit. Stay present, to the best of our ability, and remember that the fallout from pursuing the fight could be serious and long-lasting. “Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel,” she says, referring to our eventual opportunity to extricate ourselves from the situation.
