by Nancy Bergeron, Registered Psychologist, [email protected]
According to John Gottman, the most destructive communication and best predictors of divorce and separation (with 94% accuracy) are what he coined “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. While most relationships will have some of these at times, healthy relationships rarely partake in them, and do more to repair them when they are used.
Criticism: Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack. It is an attack on your partner’s character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize. The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing.
Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”
If you find that you or your partner are critical of each other, don’t assume your relationship is doomed to fail. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier Horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first Horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.
Contempt: When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean, we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner, which come to a head when the perpetrator attacks the accused from a position of relative superiority.
Most importantly, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated.
Defensiveness: Typically, a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this Horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. This partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective. Although it is perfectly understandable to defend yourself if you’re stressed out and feeling attacked, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management.
Stonewalling: Usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable way out, but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. Unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally. If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break.
Awareness and understanding of The Four Horsemen is the first step in repairing your relationship. If you need help eliminating The Four Horsemen, look for a level 3 or Certified Gottman therapist in your area.
