Any Jagged Wood Sticking Out of Your Head?


by Philip Jones

You have doubtless often been left with a perfectly good axe-head, with the jagged remnants of a broken handle sticking out of the middle of the metal piece. The next time you find yourself facing this profoundly perplexing predicament, you will appreciate these detailed instructions in remedial axeology:

  1. If, following an accident, some wood is left sticking out of your head, cut it off.
  2. Purchase a replacement handle and some wedges.
  3. Insert a wood-bit of appropriate size into an electric drill and tighten the bit.
  4. Plug the plug of the drill into an electrical outlet (unless your drill is designedly cordless).
  5. Squeezing the trigger with your right forefinger (unless, of course, you are left-handed), drill two holes in the wood remaining in the middle of your head.
  6. Stick your head in the oven and bake for 42.8 minutes at 379 degrees. It will then shrink. The wood, that is, not your head, which will not shrink due to its hard-headed molecular composition.
  7. Turn off the oven and remove your head. Be sure to use an oven mitt because it is hot.
  8. The remaining wood can then be easily removed, leaving your head in the condition where it can be readily re-handled.
  9. Gripping the new handle firmly in the left hand, trim it to fit your head, with a rasp wielded authoritatively with the right hand. (Reverse hands if appropriate.)
  10. Insert the handle firmly into your head.
  11. Fasten securely by hammering in wedges at the edges.
  12. Go chop wood . . . carefully!

My next project involves producing a set of instructions on how to build your own house in 27,329 easy stages.