Mental Health Moment: How to Deal with Resentment: A Better Way to Process the Poison We Drink, Expecting the Other to Die

In the recovery community resentment is a hot topic. It’s often referred to as “drinking poison hoping the other person will die.” Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, shares some of the signs you might be harbouring resentment, along with ways you can pull yourself out of it.

Resentment is a complex emotional reaction to being or feeling mistreated or wronged by another person, situation, or series of circumstances. Resentment can feel like a mix of anger, bitterness, disgust, or disappointment toward the person or events from your perception. It can be triggered by several things:

• Being taken advantage of by others.
• Being put down, dismissed, or ignored.
• Feeling inadequate, overlooked, or unheard.
• Having unrealistic expectations of others or the world around you.
• Maintaining relationships with people who insist their needs are more important than your own.
• Having interactions with people who undermine your authority.

The challenge with resentment is that if you hold onto it tightly, it becomes harder to forgive or let go and move on from the situation. When you’ve been mistreated or wronged, it’s common to experience an overlap of negative emotions that continue to resurface and return whenever you’re confronted with these individuals, situations, or memories. These emotions may include anger, hostility, hate, bitterness, discomfort, or disgust. Suppressing these emotions over time, can lead to resentment, which can have significant negative effects on your mental and physical health. “In the short-term, suppressing feelings may seem like a way of coping. However, in the long run, pushing down or ignoring emotions can be an entry into mental health issues like PTSD, trauma, depression, and anxiety,” warns Dr. Albers.

Resentment can make it difficult to let go of your anger. You find yourself hyper-focusing on these feelings, especially whenever you’re confronted by the person or situation that caused them in the first place. You might even be enraged or experience strong urges to seek revenge. These things can take a significant toll on your mental and physical health. “Emotions are not solely confined to our minds; they can also take residence in our bodies,” clarifies Dr. Albers. “Anger, if left unaddressed, can manifest physically by increasing your heart rate and blood pressure, causing muscle tension and headaches, digestive issues, weakening your immune system, and causing sleep disturbances. These can all put you at higher risk for cardiovascular issues like high blood pressure and heart disease or chronic conditions like diabetes and autoimmune disorders.”

When emotions like resentment linger, we tend to associate it with other feelings like regret, shame, guilt, or remorse, especially if we’re made to feel like we’re at fault. When you’re resentful, you’re on guard. Why would you ever surround yourself with the same people or situations that hurt you again from the start? We see this often in relationships. If you’ve been wronged in the past by a previous partner, you might resent them and anyone else who reminds you of them or presents that kind of behaviour because it triggers your fears and anxiety around betrayal and lack of commitment. On the surface, resentment may appear to offer you the ability to have power and control over the situation. But internally, it can cause real, long-lasting damage to your mental health. “At first, it may seem like avoiding the situation is a way of coping. However, by engaging in avoidance behavior, we inadvertently fuel the flames of resentment, allowing it to fester and intensify inward,” says Dr. Albers.

When you’re ready to let go, and leave resentment in the past, these steps are useful:

• Do a personal inventory of what’s important to you. What would it take for you to “settle the score”? Are you looking for an apology? Are you looking for an explanation? Or are you looking to make amends?
• Acknowledging where you stand on the issue, what you need in order to heal, and what your expectations are for yourself and the other party involved are the keys to handling any unresolved conflict.
• “Empathy plays a vital role in putting a stop to resentment, as it allows us to step into the shoes of others and understand their perspective,” says Dr. Albers. “Coming to terms with the person or situation that caused resentment can open the door to healing and closure, as it enables us to find empathy towards ourselves and create space for forgiveness and growth.”
• When you’re steeped in doubt and negativity, lean on the people, places, and things that bring you peace and positivity by practicing gratitude. Try keeping a gratitude journal of all the things that make you happy and serve as a positive step toward improving your well-being.

“It’s OK to seek support because navigating resentment alone is not easy,” reaffirms Dr. Albers. “Working with a therapist can help you to see the situation from a new perspective and access self-compassion, which becomes key to making a manageable journey of healing and growth.”

Finding ways to practice self-love and compassion will not only set you up for success in the future. It will also help you recognize that when you feel like you’re caught in the throes of resentment, you can stop drinking the poison hoping the other person will die.