by K.L. Campbell, M.Ed., Retired CBE Principal, Community Mediation Society of Calgary, Roster Member (CMSC)
This week, students across Canada return to school as the familiar rhythms and routines of school land with a bang into family life. Despite the upbeat and wholesome cultural branding associated with this season; sharp pencils, new clothes, and bold resolutions, ambivalence lurks.
For many, woven into the general sense of optimism, dwells a host of uncomfortable worries that can scrub the joy out of this fresh start. For students, parents, and educators, a return to the schoolhouse is a return to expectation. For in this place where humans gather, so too does conflict. Aye, there’s the rub. Objectively, conflict is part of the package, and so we are well-advised to reflect on this aspect of our nature from outside the ring in preparation for the conflict scenarios that surely await us all. If the adage, to know better is to do better, is true, September is as good a time as any to renew and review the toolbox for navigating the inevitable conflicts associated with school life. The big dream is that we learn to interact with conflict scenarios in a way that is productive, respectful, and dignified. Consider the following ideas to support your family to understand how engaging in conflict can bring progress.
Start With Yourself
“You better get yourself together, darling, and join the human race.” – John Lennon.
I get it. They’re mad, he is hurt, and she is overwhelmed. As the saying goes, you’ve got one nerve left and someone is standing on it. Truly, the first thing one needs to manage in a conflict is oneself. What are your family’s go-to routines to support overall well-being? Can you commit to strategies for self care that help you to think and act clearly? What are your priorities and how do you recognize triggers?
A person who is hydrated, rested, clear thinking, and ready to listen and speak on a matter of concern is an excellent way to advocate for change as well as to gain perspective on a matter. Engaging with others in a respectful manner is sure to increase good will and enhance credibility.
Your Personal Stake
“Be Curious, Not Judgmental.” – Walt Whitman.
There is no shortage of concerns to fan the flames of conflict and division in a school community. When wrestling with situations that seem unjust, try to step back and take stock.
- Reflect on the information and the individuals involved.
- Take a moment to consider possible alternative explanations for the situation.
- Resist the urge to be influenced by special interests and compelling personal circumstances without doing some of your own research.
- Endeavor to remain grounded and clear about your interests.
Now, in 25 words or less describe the issue and why it matters. This will help to frame the scenario from your perspective. This is not to be confused with prescribing a specific outcome, rather it is a clear statement of interest to lay the foundation for a conversation.
Make an Action Plan
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor E. Frankl.
Decide specifically what you need to inquire about and/or communicate. Reach out to whomever is needed to initiate communication. This can be an email, a phone call, a knock at the door, or a brief conversation at the curb to request an open conversation to share your concerns and ask for consideration.
Speak. Listen. Reflect. Adjust. (Repeat as needed.)
Give Yourself (and Others) Grace
“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.” – Indira Gandhi
For many, normalizing problematic behaviour is a barrier to engaging neighbours, colleagues, and friends in a potential conflict conversation. The Thursday carpool is late, every time. A colleague regularly overshares and compromises the productivity of a meeting. The teacher doesn’t reply to an email and the issue continues to percolate. A volunteer cancels three out of four times. Assumptions prevail and ill will begins to inform perspective.
By not addressing these chronic concerns directly, good people are denied the opportunity to do better or to account for the circumstances that caused these issues. Instead, what’s more likely is low grade frustration and an erosion of respect that can insert itself in an unkind and hurtful way. Consequently, sarcasm, avoidance, personality attacks, and hard feelings begin to erode a culture of possibility.
Be Proactive
“A mind is like a parachute; it only works when it’s open.” – Frank Zappa
Are you on/in a new team, newly formed school council, new carpool, new neighbourhood? Consider engaging others in a conversation to establish what you can expect of each other. Call it whatever you like: ground rules, a team charter, a game plan, a success strategy; and keep it basic. Introducing this concept and eliciting a few key requirements sets the tone for productive collaboration and for addressing emergent issues down the road.
This type of exercise lays the foundation for success and good will both within the home and in the community. Moreover, it establishes a framework that opens the lines of communication to tweak a plan, switch days, firm up start and end times, all while acknowledging that there will be exceptional circumstances that require flexibility.
Surviving the Collision with Reality
“When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” – Tuli Kupferberg
As you hone your capacity for engaging in a conflict scenario, expect your rehearsed approach to run amok in real time. This is when your dedication to improving understanding through dialogue will emerge as a voice of reason. We remember that conflict scenarios hold significance for all stakeholders and the path to resolution necessarily requires the discipline to remember that you do not have all the information, nor do you share the experiences of the conflict partner.
Ultimately, a well-intentioned effort to resolve a conflict may not yield the ideal outcome. However, practicing the elements of dialogue through proactive strategies, emotional regulation, clear thinking, active listening, curiosity, and respect will almost certainly enhance and improve the home, community, and school partnership.
