When most of us hear the word boundary, we tend to think of rules we place on other people: “Don’t speak to me like that,” or “You can’t come over without asking first.” But in truth, boundaries aren’t rules for others—they’re rules for ourselves. They define our comfort zone, and they guide our actions when someone crosses a line we’ve drawn.
“A boundary means you are responsible for what’s in your yard, which would be your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, and your opinions,” explains Dana Skaggs, therapist. “And your neighbours also have a right to their thoughts, their feelings, their opinions, and their actions.” In other words, you tend your own garden—and you don’t try to control what someone else grows in theirs.
This is one of the most empowering (and humbling) aspects of boundaries: they remind us that we don’t get to control others. We can’t force people to think like us, behave in ways we prefer, or rescue them from their own beliefs. What we can do is make choices about how we’ll respond when someone acts in ways that don’t feel good to us.
That’s where the real work of boundaries begins. As therapist Laura Vladimirova puts it: “There’s no boundary without internal consequence.” It’s not enough to say, “I don’t want you to come over unannounced anymore.” The assumption might be that the person will simply comply. But what if they don’t? That’s when the boundary is tested—not when it’s spoken, but when it’s ignored. Do we let them in anyway? Ask them to leave and come back later? Decide to spend less time with them moving forward? Our boundary is only as strong as the action we’re willing to take when it’s crossed.
An example of this could be for a romantic relationship. We have a list of behaviours that make us uncomfortable, and we would leave the relationship if those boundaries weren’t respected. In practice, what they demonstrate is this core truth: a boundary includes a limit and a consequence. We are clear on what we would do if our boundaries weren’t respected.
This principle applies just as much in parenting. Parents often think of boundaries as rules for their children: “Put your shoes on before going outside.” But children test rules—that’s what they do. The real boundary isn’t whether the child follows the rule, but how the parent responds when they don’t. Do you put the shoes on for them if they don’t? That’s the boundary in action: your response, not their behaviour.
Another common misunderstanding is that boundary violations should always result in cutting someone off. “Sometimes, with boundaries, we think the most severe consequence is what’s always needed,” says therapist Nedra Tawwab. However, if we ejected every person who crossed a line, we’d be left with very few relationships. Realistically, the first time someone violates a boundary, a reminder may be all that’s needed. The second time, you might take space or limit contact. Only in cases of repeated violations or extreme harm do more permanent consequences become necessary.
Ultimately, boundaries are an act of personal responsibility. They require clarity, consistency, and courage—not control. They aren’t about changing other people. They’re about protecting our own well-being and honouring our own limits, even when others don’t. And that’s where true empowerment lies.
