by Christopher Bungay, Divorce Lawyer
Divorce has a negative impact on children. This is unavoidable. When parents start the separation process, children get the following message: things will be different, uncertain, and scary.
The good news is this: divorce does not always mean our children will have lasting damage. Kids are resilient. Many children of divorce move forward in life as emotionally healthy adults, eventually having families of their own.
There are certain things parents can do to minimize the risk of emotional damage to children of divorce. The solutions can be seen by looking at the main “problem” through the eyes of the child. Kids in these situations have a significant fear of abandonment and loss of parental love. The child may think “One of you are leaving, does this mean you might leave me too?”, or “Mom and Dad don’t love each other anymore, maybe they might stop loving me?”
The remedy for fear of abandonment is this: showing consistent attention and love to our children during and after separation. Understandably, a parent going through a divorce has a lot on his/her plate. It is easy for kids in these situations to get lost in the shuffle. Divorcing parents who set aside time to be with their kids, listen to their feelings, and do fun things with them send the following message: “we still love you, and everything will be OK”.
Divorce is seldom one person’s fault. While it “takes two to tango”, in an ideal situation, both parents can work together toward a common goal: continuing to ensure their kids are loved and cared for by both parents. This is not always realistic. At times, one spouse may be so angry the divorce conflict is made a priority over being a good parent. In these situations, we do the best we can with what we’ve got. If at least one parent can show consistent love and attention, their child will have a much better chance of moving on from the divorce with minimal psychological damage. One rational parent can be a buffer to protect a child from another parent’s unchecked anger.
Anger is a normal part of every divorce. That anger needs to be expressed to the right person, such as a close friend or therapist. If this anger is expressed to children (or even if they overhear it), this can be very damaging. Speaking negatively to a child about how ‘bad’ the other parent is…well, it’s a terrible idea. Children and teens who are exposed to this kind of intense fighting are often traumatized. This can result in long-term problems when they become adults, including chronic anxiety and difficulties in having healthy marriages themselves.
Again, let’s remember the good news: children of divorce who feel heard, loved, and supported have a great chance of living long, healthy, and happy lives.
