by Nancy Bergeron, R.Psych. | [email protected]
Grief is a natural response to loss, but it does not follow a fixed timeline. For many of us, the pain slowly softens and life begins to open up again. For others, grief stays intense, persistent, and disruptive long after the loss. This is often called complex grief.
Complex grief is more than missing someone. It can feel as if time has stopped. Months or even years after the loss, we may still feel as though the death happened yesterday. You may struggle with intense longing, difficulty accepting the loss, or trouble imagining a meaningful future without the person who died. Everyday reminders can bring overwhelming pain, making it hard to work, maintain relationships, or enjoy activities you once valued.
Complex grief can sometimes be mistaken for depression because both can involve sadness and withdrawal. The difference is that grief is centred on the loss of a specific person and the longing for that relationship. Depression usually involves a broader loss of pleasure, ongoing hopelessness, and negative beliefs about oneself. It is also possible to experience both at the same time.
Six Coping Strategies for Complex Grief:
While complex grief can feel overwhelming, there are approaches that can help. Evidence-based treatment often includes grief-focused therapy, which offers a safe space to process the loss, explore painful emotions, and gradually rebuild meaning and connection. Some people also benefit from cognitive behavioural strategies, which can help identify unhelpful thoughts such as guilt, self-blame, or the belief that life can never feel meaningful again.
Other helpful coping strategies:
- Maintaining routines: Create a simple daily structure that adds predictability, even in small ways. For example, wake up at the same time each morning, eat breakfast before checking your phone, or take a short walk after lunch.
- Allowing space for grief: Set aside time to feel, remember, or express your grief instead of holding it in all day. You might journal before bed, light a candle on a certain day, or look through photos and write down a memory.
- Staying connected to supportive people: Reach out to people who can listen without trying to fix your feelings. You might text a trusted friend, attend a grief support group, or invite a family member for coffee.
- Caring for your body: Focus on one or two basic physical needs each day, since grief can make self-care harder. You might drink a glass of water when you wake up, eat something with protein at breakfast, stretch for five minutes, or go to bed at a consistent time.
- Practicing self-compassion: Notice harsh self-talk and replace it with a more understanding response. If you think, “I should be over this by now,” try reminding yourself, “I am grieving something important, and healing takes time.”
These strategies do not erase grief, but they can make it more manageable and support healing over time.
When to Seek Professional Help
It may be time to seek professional support if your grief feels stuck or overwhelming for a long period, especially if it is affecting work, relationships, sleep, or daily functioning. You may also benefit from help if you are avoiding reminders of the loss, struggling to imagine a future, or experiencing intense guilt, numbness, or hopelessness that does not ease with time.
